Confidence

11:17 pm

It has been a long day...a longer day than I expected. I got up this morning, took my adorable dog Herbie for a walk (he has a personality you wouldn't believe), and pulled out my laptop and kept chugging away at the applications. I was clipping along at a good pace, too, when a phone call camethat drew me away from the glow of my screen. I spent the rest of my afternoon driving around the city on a mission for someone else, wondering in the back of my mind if it was worth it. It certainly relates to my job search, but there are a lot of details involved that need to be carefully written about, so it will have to wait for another day. I just know the suspense is going to kill you.

Anyway, I wanted to write tonight about confidence. One thing I've realized as I've searched for a job is that confidence is key. No one is going to hire you if you are not confident in yourself and believe that you can perform in the job you are applying/interviewing for. I generally have a great deal of confidence in myself; I have always been successful in the things that matter to me, and I know that I can handle much more than I sometimes give myself credit for. I have planned award ceremonies and large conferences, directed plays with my peers and this summer I even stage managed a technically difficult play with a summer stock company that I had never met before (which gave me a huge confidence boost). I've had major internships, been employed consistently since I was 15, and I've never been fired. I have a good track record, and I've done all the right things to prepare myself for this point in my life.

But I still don't have a "professional" job.
That single fact gives me pause and causes me to doubt, at least once a day, that I have what it takes and that I will be able to find a job that I can excel in.

However, this fact does not seem to discourage the people who surround me! There are so many people who believe in me, who trust that the right position will come along sooner or later and someone will just scoop me up. My friends, family, coworkers encourage me relentlessly, which I appreciate so much! But even though I am constantly being buoyed by the utterly fantastic people that surround me, there seems to be not even a speck of light at the end of the tunnel.

What do people see in me that I cannot see in myself? How can they be so confident that I will land on my feet? There are moments when I share their optimism, and others where I just want to return to being 5 years old and all I had to worry about was what kind of sandwich was in my lunch box. I'm hoping this is just a phase...

Thank you to GVB, MJ, JB, SN, BC, CBD, SH, NW, LM, and many others, for constantly supporting me and reminding me there will be a light at the end of the tunnel...